Halo Randomonia
by Saber Knight
Summary: Crazy and random short stories of Halo.


_"Nice tank ya got there. I remember when I joined the core we didn't have any fanchy manchy tank. We had sticks! Two sticks and a rock for a whole platoon, and we had to share that rock!"_ **-Sergeant Major Avery Johnson**

**A/N: Three very short stories of Halo randomness for each chapter. These stories are mostly my own created ideas. Enjoy.**

**Story One: Elite Marines**

"Sir!" The marine saluted Captain Covington, the CO of UNSC Firebase Delta-9 currently stationed on one of the inner colonies that was currently under attack by Covenant forces. "Sergeant Major Johnson should be back within five with the rest of the hogs, do you want to come up to The Wall!?" The Wall was a 20 foot walkway of concrete five feet thick surrounding the firebase.

"Yes, I believe I will, Corporal!" Captain Covington stood up from his table and followed the marine outside of the building, grabbing his shotgun by the exit door. As they walked through the courtyard of the firebase, a group of marines who had formed a rock band began setting up their equipment. Covington had heard them play before, hell, he was sure the Covenant had heard them before. They played extremely loud, so loud that the base personal had to wear special ear plugs to tone the noise down to a less harmful level.

They climbed up the ladder to the top of The Wall and approached the lookout tower near the gate. A marine was looking at a stationary motion sensor which had much greater range than their own. "Picking up six hogs on the radar closing in fast, IFFs match up!" Covington nodded his head to the younger man, setting his shotgun down on the ground, and grabbing a sniper rifle from a marine's arms.

"You do realize we have binoculars!?" The corporal asked Covington who simply ignored him as he looked through the scope of the sniper rifle, zooming in on the approaching hogs.

Just as he gets a visual, he hears the rock band opening up. However, the rock band and their music was completely and utterly lost from his mind as he saw what was in the Warthogs. "What... the... hell...!?" He asked, his words making the marines grab their binoculars and zoom in on the Warthog team. They saw Elites riding the hogs, Elites with _UNSC _uniforms perfectly fitting them along with fitting helmets. The lead Warthog held an Elite with a cap on, a cigar in his mouth, and a battle rifle in his hands. There did not seem to be a single piece of covie tech on them. "Uh, initiate Code Impossible!?"

"We won the war!?" A private asked while holding a regulations manual.

"Uh... initiate Code Thievery by Coviery!?"

"Yeah, that makes better sense!" He shut the book and yelled out in a loud, booming voice over a radio channel. "Covies incoming armed in, and with, UNSC tech! Prepare to light 'em up!"

Suddenly, without warning, the Warthogs swerved to a stop, the elite with the cigar jumped out, dropping his battle rifle, and began waving his arms. The other elites all got out, laid down their weapons, and began waving their arms also. The marines on The Wall stared with confusion in their eyes at the elites. The cigar elite stopped waving and pointed to his ears, or where his ears would be if he was a human.

Covington, remembering the ear plugs they all had in their ears to prevent damage to them, ordered for the band to stop. When they did not stop, he aimed his sniper rifle and shot their makeshift instruments. After the music was gone, Covington took the ear plugs out and heard Johnson's voice. "It's us sir! Some SOB activated some damned covie artifact that did this to us!"

Covington stared at the cigar elite as it moved its mouth. Covington shook his head, trying to think of what to do when suddenly six Spectres came into sight over the hill. Riding the Covenant vehicles were humans armed in Elite combat armor with Covenant weaponry. He heard the unmistakable roar of an Elite warrior before both sides began shooting at each other. "Orders sir?" The private asked him, looking out across the battlefield.

"I have no clue what's going on, so just light up those... humans..." Covington told the private before getting down off of The Wall as he developed a headache.

"What the hell just happened?" He asked himself, shaking his head.

**Story Two: Don't Break for Nobody**

Jul 'Mdama watched as his super carrier plowed through the human fleet with ease. Everything was going well, the human colony would be glassed within the week providing how strong their defenses were on the ground. As he watched the view screens within the command center of his ship, he saw a Longsword heading straight for his super carrier. "Humans are fools, their puny fighter will hardly scrape the shields."

_"Hey you alien bastards, get out of my way or I, the one and only Sergeant Major Avery Johnson, will plow straight through that puny ship of yours."_

Jul's eyes widened at the name of the human. There were only two humans worth knowing, that was the Demons and the marine who defied all kinds of logic and physics, so much that even the Flood feared him. His name, Avery Johnson. "Flank speed! Get us out of the path of that Longsword!" Jul yelled out, watching in horror as the Longsword came straight for him.

_"Last chance, get outta the way cuz I don't break for nobody. Yep, once I came across Master Chief piloting the Pillar of Autumn. He got in my way and that's how the Pillar crashed on that giant hula hoop."_

"Abandon ship!" Jul cried out when he saw that his enourmous ship would not move out of the way. The next two minutes were composed of frantic urgency as his ship was torn apart by the puny fighter.

* * *

"And that's how I came to captain a mere Cruiser, Raia." Jul 'Mdama told his wife, looking down at the floor in misery, remembering the moment when the Longsword passed him on its way through. He remembered the tag it had on it; _Don't Break for Nobody_.

**Story Three: The Scariest Marine in Halo Reach**

"Hey man, tell me again why the hell we're playing this mission on legendary with Mythic, Thunderstorm, Cloud, and IWHBYD on?" DiegoDXXVth asked his friend, EeMako5, as they cowered behind an outcropping of rocks away from a group of Elite Ultras with dual plasma rifles that had an obsession with shooting their rifles at anything that moved and didn't move.

"How the hell should I know? There was this challenge we saw so we decided to do it, we're not backing out of the game yet." EeMako5 told Diego as he peered out from the rocks to see three marines behind cover and another standing out in the open, being peppered with plasma nonstop. "We'll let those marines wear those Elites down so we can take 'em."

Diego gave a snort as he looked out from the rocks and over at the marines. "Marines can't do nothing but kill Jackals and Grunts on _easy _let alone kill an _Elite Ultra _on _Legendary _with _mythic _on. They're just going to get owned."

"Yeah, the Elites will be distracted by the marines and that will give us time to sneak by. Oh look, get ready, the Elites are charging him. On three we run to the other side." The three Elite Ultras all ran at the marine, firing their plasma rifles with deadly accuracy. "1..." The marine stood his ground, firing off short bursts of fire. "2..." The lead Elite lost his shields and took several rounds to its head before dropping down to the ground. "An... Wait, what just happened?"

The two players watched as one of the Ultras meleed the marine only to be killed in a long burst of fire, his body falling down onto the ground. The last standing Ultra drew an energy sword and charged the marine. "Well, he's going to die now anyway." As the Ultra got within a couple feet of the marine, the marine meleed the Elite with the butt of his assault rifle. "Holy baby butter biscuits..." Mako muttered as he watched the Ultra fly across the map and just simply cease to exist.

"Can he even die!?" Diego shouted, aiming his sniper rifle at the marine. "Let's just shoot and see!" He pulled the trigger. The anti-material round missed the marine's head and began to ricochet before finally killing one of the marines behind cover. "I just wasted that shot." Diego said as he took careful aim again.

The marine looked over at his dead buddy before turning to the Spartans. "I have a bad feeling about this." Mako muttered. The marine _switched _weapons to his magnum.

"Since when could they do that!?" Diego shouted.

"Hey, isn't that pistol a Halo 1 magnum?"

Silence came over the two Spartans as they turned to look at eachother. "HOLY MOTH-" Two shots rang out, the rounds going through the Spartan's heads.

"Well, don't kill the marine this time Diego." Mako told his friend as he waited for the game to revert back to a save, however, the game instead decided to respawn them right where they had died. "The hell?" Mako asked, looking around.

"Hey Mako, did you drop a frag? Cuz I didn't have any frags on me." Diego asked, looking down at a smoking fragmentation grenade.

"No, I- Shi-" An explosion took out both of the Spartans. "Exit the game! I can't take more of this!"

"Yeah! We should stick to Big Team Battle!" Both of the players exited the game, joining back up in the Matchmaking lobby and going to BTB.

"That was crazy man, must have been some crazy glitches."

"Yeah."

When they found themselves in the game lobby on red team, five of their players suddenly quit, leaving them with one other player. "What the hell? They quit on us! Its three versus eight, we're so dead!"

"Hey Diego, this guy's gamertag reads UNSC Marine." Mako told his friend, looking at their teammate. "Coincidence?"

"Who cares, the game is starting. We're playing on Hemorapphge." Diego said, pronouncing the map name wrong.

"All right, here is the game plan, I'll go for the Wraith, you go for the Revenant. We'll stay at the base and use it for cover, run decoy when they have the plasma launcher and when the Wraith comes around. After that, I want you to watch my back. Get ready to run when the game start. In 3... 2... 1... No-"

"**THE HELL!? RUN!"**

ROFLcopter CptMaj frowned when he heard the scream. "What are those red guys shouting for?" He asked as his clan got into their vehicles. One person for the Wraith and Revenant, two for each Warthog, and one with the sniper rifle. "Doesn't matter, Wraith up front. Warthogs take the flank. Revenant, guard the Wraith. This should be a piece of cake."

His clan got into formation, slowly advancing over the hill. They were expecting to be met with sniper rifle and plasma mortars, but instead, they saw two Reds sprinting over the top of the hill, screaming. "Run for your lives!" One of the reds jumped onto the Revenant and kicked the driver out, the other red took the passenger seat. Instead of them opening fire on any of his people, they turned high tail and boosted away towards the rocks near the beach.

"What just happened?" CptMaj asked, looking over at red base to see what had them so scared. What he saw was a single, UNSC Marine. "A marine?"

"Hey ROLFcopter, he's showing up red on the target reticule." Kain'sWrath told him, aiming his Wraith's mortar cannon at the marine.

"Alright, just go ahead and take the shot." CptMaj told him, watching as the Wraith fired and the marine was bathed with plasma. "Alright, let's go hunt down those re- The hell?" CptMaj watched as the marine stepped away from the scorched ground and _switched _weapons to his magnum. "Is that a Halo 1 M6?" He asked to nobody in particular right before the marine opened fire.

* * *

Mako and Diego watched as Blue Team came over to them and hid with them in the rocks. "Is he still out there?" Mako asked, scooting deeper underwater to try and hide.

He got his answer when a frag grenade suddenly dropped down off of the cliff above them.

**A/N: Story One is based off a random idea where Marines and Elites turn into Elites and Marines. Story Two is based off Master Chief facing down a Covenant Cruiser in a single Longsword fighter. Story Three is based off the video of 'The Scariest Elite in Halo Reach'.**


End file.
